||[May. 9th, 2006|03:44 pm]
Title: For Long|
Summary: Collins sees Angel scared and insecure, and he is reminded of the first time he has seen her this way.
Word Count: 786
Notes: Written for 100moods
Disclaimer: Rent belongs to Jonathan Larson, remember? Not me.
He had not seen this in her before.
No, that was a lie. He had seen it before, when they had stood together, several moments before she would meet Mark and Roger for the first time. It had been the moment, when he had looked in her eyes. “Angel, I can’t explain how or why...but I love you,” he had whispered, unable to believe his own words.
She had looked at him, tears in her eyes at that moment, her expression fearful as she asked him what he said.
“You heard me,” he had muttered close to her ear, and she had thrown her arms around him with energy he already knew was signature to her personality.
The look in her eyes had been different. There was a fear there, a quiet fear. He had seen it there, and he knew what it meant. It meant that he could not love her, because she was fated for an end that would come too soon. He could not cherish her, because she did not want to mean that much to him.
Then she asked him if he would always be there for her. He had said yes, and the fear was gone. He never thought he would see it again.
Here she was though, sitting on the edge of their bed, tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she told him. “I’m so sorry.”
“For what?” he asked, unable to understand. Sitting down slowly, he reached for her. Angel turned, staring at the little old lamp by the bedside. “Angel...” He put his arm around her and she shrugged viciously, trying to get him to let go. He wouldn’t.
“I’m just...getting upset over nothing,” she muttered, tensing. She was obviously uncomfortable in his grasp, and he hated that. He turned on the little lamp by the bedside, looking into her eyes. He moved to wipe the tears from her cheeks, but she stopped him. “It’s okay, it’s fine...”
“Baby, don’t...” he told her. “Those are not stupid things.”
“They are ” Angel insisted, this time looking at him. Her eyes were filled with tears she was afraid to cry. “For me at least...baby, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m supposed to be strong, to take care of everyone.”
“You do not,” he muttered, his finger tracing underneath Angel’s left eye, wiping at the tears. He hated to see her cry. “Angel, you’re allowed to be afraid. I’m afraid when I think of it...it’s a lot scarier to think that you’re dying, when you have someone to live for.”
She looked at him, a sad smile crossing her face as she relaxed. Easing slowly, she leaned against him, and he put an arm around her. “I love you,” she said in a quiet, exhausted voice. It was obvious she had tired herself out. Her face was an indicator of her pain, of the way she tortured herself with it. He kissed her quickly.
“I love you too baby,” he said, rubbing her back gently. “Angel, we are allowed fear...but we can’t let fear overcome us. We’ve got to stay together for what time we have.”
She did not speak. She just leaned against him, her breath slowly evening out. “Its just horrible to think that one of these days...”
“I know,” he said, hurt. “Angel, you know how much I love you. You also know exactly how hard we’re trying to just live this life. I know that for the rest of our lives, we’re never going to leave one another.”
“I know,” she said, whispering into his shoulder. “I’m sorry for all the commotion. I just can’t help it...sometimes...”
He kissed the side of her face. “Angel, we are all afraid sometimes. That’s why you took me to Life Support only hours after meeting me. You know that everyone has weak moments, and they need people. I only hope you’d just need...me.”
“I do need you, more than anything, anyone.” She smiled as she spoke, and Collins could swear he saw some of her fear leaving. “You’re why I’m here.”
“Angel,” he put an arm around her, holding her close. He loved her so much. He never wanted to see her hurt like this. “Baby?”
“What is it?” she asked gently. She looked at him, trusting. She was smiling, playing again.
“Are you going to be all right?” he asked.
She nodded, smiling. “As long as you’re here, I can’t stay scared for long.”